tobiash
Foreign Diplomat 
Posts: 48 
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on Apr 18, 2014 18:39:26 GMT
We like fun, so help us out and post a joke or a funny picure  I will provide the first! Dont bug the frog ---------------------- There was a man who had a 25 inch ********, so he decided to see a witch to have it reduced. Once with the witch he said, ''I need your help. My ******** is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accomodate me. Can you help me?" The witch said, "Go to the forrest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you." So he left to the forrest and after hours of walking he found the frog, he kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him. The frog said, "NO." Then his ******** shrunk five inches. So he figured it out for every time the frog said no it will shrink five inches. He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "NO." And it shrunk another five inches. Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine." So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: NO. NO. NO. A million times NO!" |
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on Apr 19, 2014 18:10:08 GMT
Dealing with a lawyer
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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check
this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more!
Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on May 4, 2014 19:10:41 GMT
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Post by Alba on May 8, 2014 11:02:25 GMT
Quick note before this one for those who don't know: "M" roads are motorways, and "Heavy" is a type of beer.
A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, and says to the barman:
"Ah'm part o the M9, ah'm dead hard I am. Gimme a pint o Heavy"
So the barman gives it a pint.
Next another piece of black tarmac swaggers into the bar, and says to the barman:
"See me, Ah'm dead hard, Ah'm part of the M77. Gimme a pint o Heavy"
So the barman pours it a pint too.
While the two pieces of black tarmac are lounging around, a small piece of red tarmac walks into the bar.
Immediately the two piece of black tarmac move out of the way and cower out of sight.
The piece of red tarmac says:
"Barman! A double whisky!"
The Barman gives it the whisky, and the red tarmac knocks it back in one, then marches out of the bar.
Then the Barman turns to the two pieces of black tarmac and says:
"So what this about you two being so hard when you were hiding from that piece of tarmac?"
They reply:
"Aye, we're hard...but he's a cycle-path!"
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on May 14, 2014 18:54:43 GMT
Careful when you wish
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Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet.
Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says,
"One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on May 16, 2014 22:54:36 GMT
Doing this great deed
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A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to
get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels.
They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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end666
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 348
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Post by end666 on May 18, 2014 12:03:54 GMT
Read this at your own risk!! xD  |
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Post by Alba on May 18, 2014 19:43:14 GMT
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walked into a bar.
The Barman said "Is this some kind of joke?"
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on May 21, 2014 20:27:40 GMT
LoL^
Sue over the property
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Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence.
Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his
fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this
fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet
further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
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tobiash
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 48
PT Nation Name: Concordia
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Post by tobiash on May 28, 2014 19:58:24 GMT
My daughter is your reward
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars
or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear.
The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.
The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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Post by European Socialist Republic on May 28, 2014 21:19:30 GMT
Your mom is like Karl Marx's theory on social economics: every worker gets a share!
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end666
Foreign Diplomat
Posts: 348
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Post by end666 on Jun 16, 2014 12:50:51 GMT
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